This is EXACTLY what I needed to read today! It echoes so many of my own emotions and thoughts and you’ve done a great job of articulating it. Thank you so much for sharing this piece
Great post Eleanor. In particular I resonated with this line “…if you want it badly enough you can do it” and think “therefore I am the literal worst, an epic failure…”
I’ve always had that ‘growth mindset’ or ‘hustle’ culture. And I think there is a lot of value to it. But as I’ve gotten older (I’m not old but lets just say I’m not 20), I start to see younger people at work do more studying, more learning of new technologies / theories (I’m in Data Science), and I start to feel guilty and sad. Because deep down my hustle brain is saying ‘I know you are capable of being as good as them and learning as much’. But your line I quote is exactly what I need to remember. I have other things in life I value investing my time in. I have a wife, I have hobbies, I want to study other things non-work related. As you say… that is OKAY.
I've seen what hustle for the sake of the grind can do to a person and a family: I've seen some really sad divorces and estrangements along those lines. It's worth avoiding.
Thank you for this, Eleanor, this was liberating for me.
I used to feel unlimited as a single person. But having kids has really affected (to put it lightly) my productivity. I resonate with with this sentiment: "I could get up at four in the morning every day and work in a quiet, locked office with no distractions. I might end up divorced, but I could do it if it was my #1 top priority."
So I'm learning to broaden my definition of "productivity" to include making sure my kids don't grow up feeling like orphans. But man is it tempting to chase the accolades; people tend to be far more impressed when I ignore my kids to do a killer public speaking engagement than when I say "no" to such engagement in order sit on the floor and play trucks with my kid.
I remember being bitterly angry that my dad worked overtime all the time when I was growing up and I rarely ever saw him, and when I did he was always in a bad mood because of the commute. It wasn't until I was an adult that I've really started to have a relationship with him beyond arguments and video games, and I'm really grateful that my husband spends a lot of time with our kids. I'm also grateful for my dad from working hard to put food on the table, I don't blame him personally in retrospect or anything, but I'm grateful that my kids will have a better relationship with their dad than I did with mine growing up.
Great post! I feel like the "if you want it badly enough, you can do it" mindset often leads to burnout, anxiety, and depression rather than success. I also struggle with constantly feeling like I don’t have enough time and that I’m a failure, but in the end, everyone has to prioritize.
And "waking up an hour earlier" is such a terrible advice. People who are sleep-deprived often don't realize how much it affects them, but the harmful effects of chronic sleep restriction are well-studied. Ultimately, it could even cost more time, as cognitive decline causes one to spend longer on tasks. Sure, many of us are sleep-deprived for various reasons, and skipping sleep is a "life hack" we often use. But we don't offer advice like "to save time, just skip studying and cram for exam" or "stop socializing to save time." It's unfortunate that the society glorifies sleep deprivation.
I think that one of the things that is tricky about the current accelerated rate of technology and change is that we can't look to how people who are giving these advice bits turn out, like guys like Arnold Schwarzenegger. You can sort of look at them and see how their lives turned out, and decide whether you want to follow their path, but it's really hard when the advice is for catching a current trend or wave in the market... Mr. Beast is so young, for example, that it's hard to look at him and know whether or not it's worth emulating his life... Who knows what kind of dad he's going to be, you know?
A great piece of writing. I agree with what you say. The only thing I would bring up is the possibility that people might procrastinate *because* they feel overwhelmed. Some people are in need of assistance with personal and/or life issues for any number of reasons. Not everyone, of course. Just like that Denning thing (and every single other magic productivity bullet) does not work for everyone.
Oh for sure! Overwhelm is a multimodal problem, and I've definitely had my days of gibbering because of it. But the numbers I've been seeing... that can't possibly be everyone. There's almost definition creep going on for those statistics to make sense.
I'll second Sanskriti's comment! And I suspect you're grounded in much more varied life experiences than most of the "you can do it if only..." crowd...
Enjoy your writings - your range of topics is wonderful!
You're absolutely right. Sleep is *not* an afterthought. About a third of Americans are chronically sleep deprived, and almost nobody talks about the costs, both measurable and unmeasurable. Being sleep deprived knocks down your immune system, foster depression, impairs your judgement, makes you less productive, less creative, and on and on. It can endanger your life more directly, e.g. while driving. Specifically for parents, it makes you more likely to be short-tempered, impatient or simply less appreciative and engaged with your kids. It also makes arguments with your partner way more likely, which can affect the quality (or even the entire course) of you and your kids' life. Not to mention the quality of your work, your opportunities for career or financial advancement, etc. For kids, it affects their growth, their neurological development and intelligence, their energy levels & moods, their sense of autonomy (being subjugated to a schedule) and so much more
Having been chewed up through productivity worship, an overactive career and burnout, I find the whole hustle culture ridiculous at best and horrifying at worse. What are we even optimizing for? For me , the answer was to have more time – with my kids, my wife, and for my own health.
Ironically, when I started quitting everything and finding ways to be "lazier", I became way better off physically, emotionally and even financially than I ever was when I was trying to be efficient. And that's with a whole family along for the ride.
For the record, my kids and I wake up whenever we feel like it. 😁 No alarms. It's bliss.
One of my favorite short stories from Robert Heinlein is called "the man who was too lazy to fail." I have a friend who says that whenever he does hiring he looks for people who get annoyed by tasks that should be automated ;p It really does bring efficiency gains!
I don't use Obsidian anymore (not a good fit), and my enjoyment of substack got really old, really fast. Other than a good 3 years moving steadily up the tech support call center ladder (SPRYNet Compuserv AOL Mindspring Earthlink -- those days were wild and fun for a DIY tech geek!) with health insurance and a good enough wage to rent a room near work AND afford a beater car, insurance, sufficient gas, and 3-4 beers open-to-close at my fave goth dance club once a month plus late night pancakes after... I was born and will probably die desperately poor.
All that to say I consistently appreciate your newsletter so much that even though I've unsubscribed (severe disability flareups overwhelm == just considering opening my email app to scan my inbox and junk mail folders for urgent messages combusts a spoon all by itself).
But although obsidian wasn't a good fit for where I'm at right now (I'm currently testing DEVONthink To Go 3 on iOS/iPadOS, can't cognitively manage the anxieties of adequately protecting root and info attack surface on a Win or xNix box right now)...
... your newsletters, and that you add so much value for me as a poor free subscriber (I'd absolutely pay if I could afford groceries and meds copays and bus fare!) -- it's a huge gift. Seriously, thank you.
You hit it on the head. Yes, I can make different choices and hold different priorities. I choose a life that has a chance of not being mostly miserable in the short-to-medium term, which means staying up late (literally the only time I can get quiet by myself - we live a few blocks from a busy hospital, busy fire station, the first or second biggest police precinct in the city, and the most dangerous stretch of drugs-and-prostitution + organized crime circle turf wars -- ugh -- oddly it's the daylight hours that are craziest here, nights are quiet. Hubby's a TV watcher and VERY early morning person. If I want an hour of near quiet, it means staying up until 11:30p-12a.
Thank you so much for sharing these newsletters and not paywalling them. I'm deeply, incredibly grateful. Along with reading DFW books, surfing YT Crash Course vids, Josh Johnson's YT current-topical-thoughtful-conscious crowdwork comedy and DoodleBud's YT fountain pen engineer franken-tinkering + non-boastful expensive pen/ink/nib tuning vicarious enjoyment fun, your newsletter really helps me feel like there are people contributing the kind of value I'd love to be able to contribute if/when I get to a place where I can start getting more comnunicating/content practice in.
Many thanks to fellow creative/reflective -- not that I expect you'll have had time to read or reply to this, considering that I'm fully deficient on brevity skills atm. Pax!
This is EXACTLY what I needed to read today! It echoes so many of my own emotions and thoughts and you’ve done a great job of articulating it. Thank you so much for sharing this piece
Great post Eleanor. In particular I resonated with this line “…if you want it badly enough you can do it” and think “therefore I am the literal worst, an epic failure…”
I’ve always had that ‘growth mindset’ or ‘hustle’ culture. And I think there is a lot of value to it. But as I’ve gotten older (I’m not old but lets just say I’m not 20), I start to see younger people at work do more studying, more learning of new technologies / theories (I’m in Data Science), and I start to feel guilty and sad. Because deep down my hustle brain is saying ‘I know you are capable of being as good as them and learning as much’. But your line I quote is exactly what I need to remember. I have other things in life I value investing my time in. I have a wife, I have hobbies, I want to study other things non-work related. As you say… that is OKAY.
Thanks for another great post :D
I've seen what hustle for the sake of the grind can do to a person and a family: I've seen some really sad divorces and estrangements along those lines. It's worth avoiding.
Thank you for this, Eleanor, this was liberating for me.
I used to feel unlimited as a single person. But having kids has really affected (to put it lightly) my productivity. I resonate with with this sentiment: "I could get up at four in the morning every day and work in a quiet, locked office with no distractions. I might end up divorced, but I could do it if it was my #1 top priority."
So I'm learning to broaden my definition of "productivity" to include making sure my kids don't grow up feeling like orphans. But man is it tempting to chase the accolades; people tend to be far more impressed when I ignore my kids to do a killer public speaking engagement than when I say "no" to such engagement in order sit on the floor and play trucks with my kid.
I remember being bitterly angry that my dad worked overtime all the time when I was growing up and I rarely ever saw him, and when I did he was always in a bad mood because of the commute. It wasn't until I was an adult that I've really started to have a relationship with him beyond arguments and video games, and I'm really grateful that my husband spends a lot of time with our kids. I'm also grateful for my dad from working hard to put food on the table, I don't blame him personally in retrospect or anything, but I'm grateful that my kids will have a better relationship with their dad than I did with mine growing up.
"I also wonder how much of it is driven by “you can do it!” hustle culture articles."
I was thinking the opposite. That this is driven by "everyone has anxiety, all the time!" therapy culture TikTok videos.
Also very possible but I basically never see those. Bubbles and whatnot.
Great post! I feel like the "if you want it badly enough, you can do it" mindset often leads to burnout, anxiety, and depression rather than success. I also struggle with constantly feeling like I don’t have enough time and that I’m a failure, but in the end, everyone has to prioritize.
And "waking up an hour earlier" is such a terrible advice. People who are sleep-deprived often don't realize how much it affects them, but the harmful effects of chronic sleep restriction are well-studied. Ultimately, it could even cost more time, as cognitive decline causes one to spend longer on tasks. Sure, many of us are sleep-deprived for various reasons, and skipping sleep is a "life hack" we often use. But we don't offer advice like "to save time, just skip studying and cram for exam" or "stop socializing to save time." It's unfortunate that the society glorifies sleep deprivation.
I think that one of the things that is tricky about the current accelerated rate of technology and change is that we can't look to how people who are giving these advice bits turn out, like guys like Arnold Schwarzenegger. You can sort of look at them and see how their lives turned out, and decide whether you want to follow their path, but it's really hard when the advice is for catching a current trend or wave in the market... Mr. Beast is so young, for example, that it's hard to look at him and know whether or not it's worth emulating his life... Who knows what kind of dad he's going to be, you know?
A great piece of writing. I agree with what you say. The only thing I would bring up is the possibility that people might procrastinate *because* they feel overwhelmed. Some people are in need of assistance with personal and/or life issues for any number of reasons. Not everyone, of course. Just like that Denning thing (and every single other magic productivity bullet) does not work for everyone.
Oh for sure! Overwhelm is a multimodal problem, and I've definitely had my days of gibbering because of it. But the numbers I've been seeing... that can't possibly be everyone. There's almost definition creep going on for those statistics to make sense.
I'll second Sanskriti's comment! And I suspect you're grounded in much more varied life experiences than most of the "you can do it if only..." crowd...
Enjoy your writings - your range of topics is wonderful!
You're absolutely right. Sleep is *not* an afterthought. About a third of Americans are chronically sleep deprived, and almost nobody talks about the costs, both measurable and unmeasurable. Being sleep deprived knocks down your immune system, foster depression, impairs your judgement, makes you less productive, less creative, and on and on. It can endanger your life more directly, e.g. while driving. Specifically for parents, it makes you more likely to be short-tempered, impatient or simply less appreciative and engaged with your kids. It also makes arguments with your partner way more likely, which can affect the quality (or even the entire course) of you and your kids' life. Not to mention the quality of your work, your opportunities for career or financial advancement, etc. For kids, it affects their growth, their neurological development and intelligence, their energy levels & moods, their sense of autonomy (being subjugated to a schedule) and so much more
Having been chewed up through productivity worship, an overactive career and burnout, I find the whole hustle culture ridiculous at best and horrifying at worse. What are we even optimizing for? For me , the answer was to have more time – with my kids, my wife, and for my own health.
Ironically, when I started quitting everything and finding ways to be "lazier", I became way better off physically, emotionally and even financially than I ever was when I was trying to be efficient. And that's with a whole family along for the ride.
For the record, my kids and I wake up whenever we feel like it. 😁 No alarms. It's bliss.
One of my favorite short stories from Robert Heinlein is called "the man who was too lazy to fail." I have a friend who says that whenever he does hiring he looks for people who get annoyed by tasks that should be automated ;p It really does bring efficiency gains!
I don't use Obsidian anymore (not a good fit), and my enjoyment of substack got really old, really fast. Other than a good 3 years moving steadily up the tech support call center ladder (SPRYNet Compuserv AOL Mindspring Earthlink -- those days were wild and fun for a DIY tech geek!) with health insurance and a good enough wage to rent a room near work AND afford a beater car, insurance, sufficient gas, and 3-4 beers open-to-close at my fave goth dance club once a month plus late night pancakes after... I was born and will probably die desperately poor.
All that to say I consistently appreciate your newsletter so much that even though I've unsubscribed (severe disability flareups overwhelm == just considering opening my email app to scan my inbox and junk mail folders for urgent messages combusts a spoon all by itself).
But although obsidian wasn't a good fit for where I'm at right now (I'm currently testing DEVONthink To Go 3 on iOS/iPadOS, can't cognitively manage the anxieties of adequately protecting root and info attack surface on a Win or xNix box right now)...
... your newsletters, and that you add so much value for me as a poor free subscriber (I'd absolutely pay if I could afford groceries and meds copays and bus fare!) -- it's a huge gift. Seriously, thank you.
You hit it on the head. Yes, I can make different choices and hold different priorities. I choose a life that has a chance of not being mostly miserable in the short-to-medium term, which means staying up late (literally the only time I can get quiet by myself - we live a few blocks from a busy hospital, busy fire station, the first or second biggest police precinct in the city, and the most dangerous stretch of drugs-and-prostitution + organized crime circle turf wars -- ugh -- oddly it's the daylight hours that are craziest here, nights are quiet. Hubby's a TV watcher and VERY early morning person. If I want an hour of near quiet, it means staying up until 11:30p-12a.
Thank you so much for sharing these newsletters and not paywalling them. I'm deeply, incredibly grateful. Along with reading DFW books, surfing YT Crash Course vids, Josh Johnson's YT current-topical-thoughtful-conscious crowdwork comedy and DoodleBud's YT fountain pen engineer franken-tinkering + non-boastful expensive pen/ink/nib tuning vicarious enjoyment fun, your newsletter really helps me feel like there are people contributing the kind of value I'd love to be able to contribute if/when I get to a place where I can start getting more comnunicating/content practice in.
Many thanks to fellow creative/reflective -- not that I expect you'll have had time to read or reply to this, considering that I'm fully deficient on brevity skills atm. Pax!